The Whole Broken Truth - A Look into My Son's Name and Then Some

My husband and I always had trouble coming up with boys names. And then, we found out Jaden was going to be a boy.  So I looked up a bunch of boy names on my 'BabyBump Pro' app and saved the ones I liked.  Turns out a lot of them ended with the 'aden' sound oddly enough.  Finally, after looking at the list, my husband and I narrowed it down to two.  Jaden and Aiden.  After mulling it over with the middle name we picked out (My father in law's first name), I decided I liked Jaden better.  We discussed it for a while, and eventually my husband agreed.  For some reason though, we never thought to look at the name's meaning until after we settled on the name.  My mother kept pushing for Aiden, but we said, no.  We like Jaden better.
Then we found it was a Hebrew name meaning 'God has Answered.'  Well that did it.  That was definitely his name.   No ifs, ands or buts.  To be honest, I'm not sure how many people I've told that to.  Or why there was no going back once we found out its meaning.

This is why.  My husband and I were married on Valentine's Day of 2009.  We had decided then we wanted to start a family right away.  Well sure enough, it looked at first we were going to get our wish.  In April, we got a positive pregnancy test. We arranged for a doctor's appointment.  However the doctor only takes patients once they are ten weeks along, for whatever reason.  By the time we got into the appointment, we had already miscarried, though we didn't know that yet.  It was more of a consultation appointment.  It wasn't until two weeks later when the doctor asked us to come in to hear the heartbeat that we found out.  She couldn't find the heartbeat, and so she sent us up to radiology.  Nothing was there...
One of the hardest things to hear is that you were pregnant, but lost it six weeks earlier. I showed no signs of miscarrying either.  So what made the whole situation even worse was when my doctor called and said, 'I didn't even expect that!'

Afterwards, I couldn't even rely on a regular cycle... Endless Doctor visits, endless blood tests, endless pregnancy tests, endless birth control cycles, you name it.  All the while, I was constantly suffering from many early pregnancy symptoms.  Doctors began to recommend infertility treatments, starting with Clomid.  But after my sister-in-law getting pregnant with triplets, I flat out refused. 

In September of 2012, just over 3.5 years of marriage/trying to get pregnant I found myself in an ER bed.  I had thrown up five times in 48 hours, couldn't eat, drink, or even function.  Repeatedly, I got asked if I could be pregnant.  Well after 3.5 years of endless failed pregnancy tests, you lose hope that you are pregnant.  So of course I said no. Over and over again.  So there I lay, with an IV in my arm that was filling me with fluid in flat out denial.
Turns out, I was about 8.5 weeks pregnant.  The ER doctor asked if we wanted an ultrasound, so of course my husband and I unanimously said yes.  We even heard the heartbeat!  One healthy little baby was growing in me.
During my entire pregnancy with Jaden, there were REPEATED instances that confirmed Jaden was the right name for him.  I was severely sick my entire pregnancy, couldn't keep much down.  At some points, I even lost weight instead of gained.  Starting at 34 weeks, I had non-stress tests twice a week.  My doctor claimed it was for the gestational diabetes, but I have a feeling there was more to it than that.  At every non-stress test, Jaden was measuring well, had plenty of amniotic fluid, and was active.  Sometimes they had to wake him, but overall he was good.  I myself at every non-stress test had high blood pressure which was disconcerting to the nurses, and eventually led to what was termed an emergency induction (though I had started labor on my own).  He was born perfectly healthy, minus some high jaundice levels.
Even his jaundice however he was a miracle boy.  His doctor had expected him to be on the bilibed for about a week with how high his numbers were and how badly the jaundice was affecting him... but it turned out, we only needed it for a day and a half.  His doctors couldn't explain that...

That is why we named Jaden a name that meant 'God has answered.'

The truth of the matter though is, our story doesn't end there.  We suffer the same issues of infertility now that we did when trying for Jaden.  I don't talk much about it, because honestly, I don't know how to express the feelings that come with it, and I'm afraid of being judged poorly.  Not to mention, I live in a society where you are pressured to pop out kids at the drop of a hat.  There are endless questions of 'When are you going to have another?  You've been married five years and you only just had your first baby?'

I am only now coming to terms with my infertility to be honest.   I've recently joined groups on facebook in regards to infertility, I'm reading more about it everywhere.  But it all amounts to the same thing...  I'm not 'normal'.

Every day, I look around me.  I see people pregnant who have gotten that way easy.  There are other people who are pregnant and don't want to be.  People complaining about how awful it is to get a period every month.  There are people who are pregnant and in reality, after what I dealt with while pregnant, they have it easy.   Frankly, I have to say, I'm jealous of them.  They have it good.

I *JUST* got my 'Aunt Flo' after 15 weeks of no sign of getting her.  And it had to be FORCED to come.  During those fifteen weeks, I had 4 negative urine tests, two negative blood tests, and oh yeah, all my hormones or normal.  Basically, I'm left with a body that works but at the same time doesn't.   All I want for Christmas?  Really, the thing I want most is a cycle I can count on.  A body that works like it should.  I want to be able to say without a doubt, 'My period isn't here yet, I must be pregnant.' And then when I pee on a stick have those two lines appear!

I feel broken, alone, confused, hopeless, and so much more.  This is my life every day.  And yet somehow, I manage to put a smile on my face and answer those heartbreaking questions without crying and ripping heads.

Long story short though, if you get a period regularly, be grateful.  If you can get pregnant and not have to go through hell and back to do so, be grateful.  And try to be more understanding to those that don't have kids (or few kids).  Sometimes they'll say, 'We're just not ready yet' but really they mean they are trying and CAN'T.  Perhaps they are feeling down in the dumps.

Oh and if you know a friend is having trouble, and you are worried that inviting them to your baby shower, or similar will hurt them, please invite them anyway.  They might say no, but it hurts more to not be invited.