For almost five years now, I've struggled with a decision I made. Not because I don't like it, but because of other people's expectations and perceptions. I'm a people pleaser, always have been despite any outward appearance of being defiant. So its been a hard fight for me to fight. The decision? Not to go back to school.
For years, I've known that my strengths were in analytical fields. It wasn't until eighth grade however that my issues academically fully flared. I always knew I was nowhere near the best when it came to my essays, and that's why my dad often helped me with them. That was a perk to having a lawyer for a father. Writing was definitely a strong suit for my dad. But in eighth grade, I had an English teacher that to this day remains ingrained in my head as my least favorite teacher.
This teacher seemed like she was impossible to please. I know a lot of my classmates felt that way, (especially band kids, but that's a story for another time) but for me, it was worse. I was used to getting A's and B's on my assignments, even on my essays. (Up through that point ALL my classes were honors classes) She however kept giving me D's on papers. She was never satisfied even when Dad helped me with my papers. That was when she gave me a D simply because my papers were too good and she assumed I plagiarized. So of course my grades in English fell.
In the end though, I have to thank her. Due to my English grades falling, I no longer was eligible to be in Honors English my nineth grade year...which meant I was able to then get the best teacher I ever had. (No offense to my mother who was my fourth grade Math, Science, and Geography teacher, but I'm sure she'd make allowances knowing what this teacher did for me.) While she taught Honors English as well, she taught mostly regular English. It didn't take my teacher long to notice that I was really good at the analytical parts to English class, like grammar for example but not so good with the writing.
However, since in Montgomery County Maryland, writing is compiled with a time factor, we didn't think too much on the fact that it could be something besides I just was getting anxious under stress. (We by that point knew I had anxiety) It also was a very strict format that neither of my parents were familiar with, which made it a little more difficult for them to help me. One of the things my teacher did was gave me all the time I needed to write my essays (Called BCRs and ECRs - Brief Constructed Response and Extended Constructed Response) in class and she never made me time myself at home. In so doing, she alleviated the stress of time. However thanks to Montgomery County testing rules, when exam time came, she couldn't do that for me.
This posed another problem however. I had returned to my usual straight A's in English every quarter. BUT in Montgomery County, (I don't know if its still like this or not since its been 9 years) the grade that mattered was your semester grade. They figured out your semester grade by some mathematical equation correlating your quarter grades and your final grades. And for some odd reason, your final grade factored into your semester grade more than your quarter grades. And thanks to the timed factor of tests, I always did horrible on my tests. 1. I never finished them in time. 2. I can't write an essay worth a darn, so I'm sure the graders were super confused when they read my writings. (They had to send the exams in to the county, and the county hired graders to grade them)
My parents also hired a writing tutor that year for me (as well as a geometry tutor, but that was a different story entirely). They were trying and so was my English teacher, to make sure I succeeded in school since I didn't have a piece of paper that said 'This student has this learning disability'. Thanks to that teacher, I managed to pull off C's for my semester grades.
Tenth grade I took a turn for the worse since I didn't have a teacher that went above and beyond the call of duty. He was your average teacher so he didn't extend a helping hand to me (though admittedly he was impressed when I memerized a speech I gave as Tyresias-a blind prophet from the odyssey-and gave me bonus points for it.) So I didn't do as well with my quarter grades, though they weren't terrible persay either. In the end, my first semester grade was a D, and barely so if I remember correctly.
Then the tides changed back in my favor. That was the year I moved to Utah. Despite the challenges it presented moving in the middle of the school year-not limited to grades not transferring well and the finding my social niche-My grades drastically improved. Alta High School/Jordan School District (though they split the district recently and now Alta is in the canyons district.) didn't focus as much on writing, so much so that I qualifed the next year for honors English (Though I didn't take it because I hadn't been in honors English for two years and wasn't comfortable moving up). But we felt the good grades were too good to be true. Next year I didn't do as well, but I still did better than when I lived in Maryland.
We for my senior year requested a specific English teacher (my Academic Decathlon Coach). However because we requested her, and my previous year's grades were good enough, the school automatically put me in College Prep (Honors) English. At least I assume that's why, since we didn't request Honors English. She taught regular English as well, but for some reason I landed in her honors class. I did mediocre in English that year, which only proved it was a good thing I didn't take AP English my senior year. (Yeah crazy enough, that was my original plan at the end of my junior year... then I realized how crazy it was to go from regular English to AP.)
Then college came around... And that's where things got messy. All my classes involved writing. My dad was no longer around to review all my papers. And even if he were, that was a lot of papers to review all at once. Not to mention we also came back to the issue of timed tests. I found that college was a whole different world than high school. Almost nothing ever made sense, not even the subjects that I had done well in in high school. Testing especially became stressful, and every test I found myself with my hands on the sides of my head, my brows furrowed deep in concentration. And that just was to understand the test questions. Forget about getting the answers right. (Which I usually didn't, because even when I thought I understood the question, it turned out I didn't and thus I picked the wrong answer)
Over the course of time spent in grade school, my parents had the intuition to enroll me in a few testing skills classes, I had a lot of therapy to help with anxiety and issues from my childhood, and a few organizational classes. I tried to use what skills from those classes that I could. But often times it proved difficult. A number of classes didn't want you to write on tests for example, so I ended up staring at questions until I understood them.
Anxiety and depression had set in my second semester and I had become so discouraged that it became hard to even go to class. It didn't help that I spent my entire first semester hearing 'You got into BYU and you are in the honors program, so you are the cream of the crop.' The only reason I got in was because I got a 30 on my ACT and went to a program they do for minority potential students, and freshman weekend. While I was surround by kids with 3.9 or higher GPAs and had done pretty well on the ACT. People who didn't appear to be 'stupid' like me. So, in short, I flunked out my entire second semester. First semester was filled with C's and D's despite my efforts. I had been put on Academic Probation for the next semester. (However I chose to withdraw from BYU. It wasn't my cup of tea, and not just academically.)
The following summer was filled with what seemed like endless therapy sessions, and countless visits to the local community college and its guidance counselors. I even visited their disability advisor, only to hear that without that stupid piece of paper that says I've got a learning disability, its entirely up to my teachers to help me or not. I had decided the best course of action for me in the way of writing would be to take remedial writing classes.
BUT it was not to be. They did some placement testing, and of course I did too well on the English portion that I couldn't be placed in remedial English. So we went to Sylvan Learning Center to see what they could do for me. Well that turned out to be discouraging too. When they did their evaluative testing, they came up with results for the most part I had always known. I was smart on the analytical side of things. But my reading comprehension especially was low. That of a ninth grader. Which to them seemed odd because my grammar and vocabulary were at college level if not above. Based on my testing results, they recommended highly getting tested.
I didn't. My therapist for my anxiety (who I didn't like to be honest) seemed to think that it was not crucial. But to me, I felt it should have been something we did anyway, if anything just to have that extra validation that I needed extra help. Well it was in thus manner that I started a semester at SLCC and with only 9 credit hours. (I had to take that many for some reason. I can't remember exactly the details, it might be related to him being able to still claim me as a dependent or something) Again, I slowly felt myself getting discouraged, tests were still hard. Though thankfully at least my sociology teacher was amazing, he never made me use the scantron, let me write on my tests, and so on so forth. Best part? There was no essay writing in that class. So I pulled off a B. (He told me I could have gotten an A if I attended everyday, but hey.)
All in all, I liked going to the community college. But I had to pick the next semester, at the advice of my anxiety therapist (best advice she ever gave me was to focus on one thing at a time) whether I would get married or go to school. Well I REALLY wanted to get married, and honestly, by that time I was so frustrated with school and certain I wouldn't succeed, that it was rather easy to stop school.
I had thought at the time eventually I might go back. I did try a class once since getting married at the community college, and once online. It only proved that school was just not my thing. Again I found myself discouraged, not doing well, super stressed, and so on. Now, I know for certain, school just simply isn't my thing.
I don't regret making that choice for one minute. But like I said before, it makes life a little more difficult. Especially in this day and age, its expected you at least get a bachelors degree. If not, you are a failure. If you flunk out of college, it's because you are stupid. Its really hard to find a good job now with only a high school education under your belt. I applied to countless jobs in the first year of marriage. So many I lost track. I had two crappy restaurant jobs where both of them I was being paid minimum wage. The first one wasn't so bad, I loved who I worked with, I had fun yelling back to the cooks 'Five in the door, 2 patties 1 dog!' (I worked at Five Guys). I started out as a busser, but even that I loved.
Red Robin... the job I had for nine months but wish I had never had. I KNEW without a doubt I was being taken advantage of... They underworked me hours wise but overworked me with stuff to do simply because they didn't expect any of the other hosts to do anything. I did all the closing duties, all the opening duties. sometimes all at once and I was supposed to do a half hour opening duty job PLUS an hour long closing duty job in absolutely no time at all! They kept asking me to come in later and later, whe I had to open the store. At first it was half hour before it opened, then 115, then not at all. And then when they sent me home in the mornings kept getting earlier and earlier. I ended up only being there for half hour fourty five minutes a lot of days. (Which i didn't find out until I moved on to a law firm that what they were doing was illegal.)
Now I work at a law firm, and I have a lot of credentials under my belt, and I get paid better than what my husband makes at his full time work, and I'm only part time. Especially now that we have a child. I'm trained in the document center, so I know how to do all the copy machine stuff, mail machine stuff, and I'm also trained as a receptionist, and I'm trained on the filing for offsite. In the document center, I seemed to often be used as the fountain of all knowledge especially since I've now worked in the firm for just over four years, and 3.5 of them in the doc center.
So frankly, I can hardly say my high school education hasn't gotten me anywhere. I'm hardly a failure. And I'm definitely not stupid. I work hard and I pick things up fast. If that isn't enough to prove I'm all right, then lets add to it the fact that I also am a mother to an eight month old. I'm pretty sure motherhood is the hardest job in the world. Not that I consider it a job. And there is no doubt that my son loves me, just the way I am. He doesn't know that I'm 'uneducated' by the world's standards. And if he did, I'm sure he wouldn't care. All he sees is that I'm a mom. I also have a wonderful husband who loves me, and would do anything for me. I may not be in perfect health, bu I'm trying to get better.
THAT is success/
Success is not measured by how much school you complete or by having the highest paying job. Success is how you deal with what you are given. And I've done pretty well for myself, especially when you considered I was brought into this world with basically nothing and spent 7.5 years in foster care. (And spent time battling racism and social stigmas and so on.) Success... I've found a great deal of it.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
My New Year's Resolution - Dietary issues Explained
The past couple months, I've completely veered away from my very strict diet. And frankly I feel like my body is a mess. (again)
To begin with, let me explain why I am on a strict diet and WHAT it is.
For years, I'd been dealing with constant abdominal pain that I couldn't explain. It felt like cramps all month long. Especially my senior year of high school, we went to see a lot of doctors about it because I missed SO many classes due to it. How I graduated on time and with a 3 something GPA is beyond me, but I did.
Because I just described it as cramps all month, a lot of doctors thought it was Endometriosis. Others were on the right track and thought it was gastrointestinal. So in the end, I was put on birth control and acid reflux meds. It sort of helped, but not entirely. At least it was somewhat tolerable.
Well, I decided to go gluten free before I got the blood test results back. While it takes a while to get gluten out of your system, the results of not adding more to my system were immediate. I didn't have to take birth control just to make sure I had a cycle come regularly any more (as long as I didn't eat gluten especially close to when my period was due to arrive). It was nice. I had more energy than I had in the past year and a half prior. The blood test results came back however, and as per custom it would seem, everything looked amazing. No Celiac Disease. When I told the Nurse Practitioner my results however, she adamantly admitted it was gluten intolerance then and recommended I keep gluten out of my diet.
Well, I decided to go gluten free before I got the blood test results back. While it takes a while to get gluten out of your system, the results of not adding more to my system were immediate. I didn't have to take birth control just to make sure I had a cycle come regularly any more (as long as I didn't eat gluten especially close to when my period was due to arrive). It was nice. I had more energy than I had in the past year and a half prior. The blood test results came back however, and as per custom it would seem, everything looked amazing. No Celiac Disease. When I told the Nurse Practitioner my results however, she adamantly admitted it was gluten intolerance then and recommended I keep gluten out of my diet.
It was not until I miscarried a couple years later that my problems resurfaced. Though now, they came back with a vengeance. Again, it was time to go through the series of doctors. It seemed to never end. Blood test after blood test came back, and nothing seemed to be wrong on the surface. But it was quite obvious something was wrong, for one thing, I suffered many problems with my cycle as was mentioned in my previous post. For another thing, I was always down with some sort of sickness, my anxiety had gotten worse. I had also gained 40 lbs of weight unexplainably, which was absolute madness for someone who has always had to worry more about being underweight than being overweight.
Finally in October of 2010, a nurse practictioner I was seeing started doing some more of the 'obscure' tests, one of which was a blood test for Celiac Disease. Well, I had honestly never heard of it before, and so I did some research on it... I found out that it had to do with gluten... Well Naive me also had never heard of gluten before either. So I did research on that too. And then, I put two and two together...
It was ALWAYS after lunch I had to go home my senior year of high school. I never ate breakfast, so I didn't really have the problem of breakfast foods containing gluten. I did also discover my most recent additions to my problems, an irregular cycle and unexplained weight gain, could also be a factor of gluten.
Well, it would seem however that it was not the end of my gastrointestinal struggles. When I got pregnant with my son, I was suffering from severe hyperemesis and it wasn't just first trimester either. It was the whole pregnancy. While my doctor was appalled by how sick I was, he didn't attribute it to anything but just being pregnant. At least not at first. Not during my pregnancy. It wasn't until the very end of my pregnancy that things got a little worrisome. Despite the fact I had gestational diabetes, and didn't eat anything, everything looked good... until two days before my due date.
My blood pressure had for the past few weeks been elevated, but not so much that my doctor had thought it a cause of concern, especially given I already was having non-stress tests twice a week, and baby was doing very well. However, it spiked drastically two days before my due date, and THAT did cause my doctor concern. He had me do some extra blood work for pre-eclampsia and put me on partial bedrest... which very quickly became full bedrest because my blood pressure kept getting elevated...
Well the blood tests didn't show any immediate signs of PE but the next night, I went into the hospital because I simply could not get out of bed I was so lightheaded, my contractions had gotten worse again, and I was super nauseated. I had been CERTAIN they were going to send me home again, (they had already done so twice the past three weeks even though it was clear I was in early labor, just was taking my time progressing) but when they did blood work and monitored my blood pressure, they decided to keep me, since by that time it was already my due date.
I found out then that at my doctors office my liver enzymes had been slightly elevated, and then when they repeated that test at the hospital, they had become more so. Combine that with the 160/93 blood pressure I had come in with, and well, I was a mess. I had progressed on my own that night, however, I wasn't progressing fast enough for their liking, so at 3:30 am they started me on pitocin, (emergency induction they termed it.) 6.5 hours later, Jaden was born.
But that was only the beginning of my problems. I still had terrible nausea and couldn't eat very well. When I went in to my OB for my six week check up and asked if that was normal, he said nope, but I should see a primary care doctor, and gave me references. I didn't go right away to be honest. It took numb legs that I could barely stand on to get me in to see a PCP. When I went in for that, I mentioned my other problems... My anxiety coming back, nausea, so on so forth. Well he prescribed me anxiety meds and had me do yet more blood tests. Again, my liver enzymes were high. Significantly higher than they were in the hospital even. So he had me come back again in two weeks for another test. He also did a gallbladder scan after I lept off the bed in pain when he pressed on it. Nothing appeared on it of course. So then he referred me to a GI doc.
Well it was a couple weeks before I saw the doctor, but by that time I was getting so miserable. GI doc ended up chatting with me about my symptoms, did more tests, including liver (still high of course) and scheduling a colonoscopy and endoscopy. Other than liver being high, everything was normal. Well the day before I had to get my colonoscopy and endoscopy I got a call that they needed to schedule a catscan of my liver... So I had to do that the same day as my other tests.
I later found out the results of all my tests. Turns out I have reflux induced esophagitis which could also be brought on by allergies. And since nothing seemed out of the ordinary other than a slightly fatty liver, I got diagnosed with fatty liver disease. HOWEVER there was one more thing I found out... I've got at the very least, lactose intolerance. The doctor even made sure to tell me to watch my medicines because they could contain lactose. Once resolving that issue, I felt a lot better.
Wasn't perfect though, so one day out of the blue I decided to research more about esophagitis. Turns out that a lot of the symptoms I had during pregnancy and following it were consistent with what happens in esophagitis sufferers. I had a hard time swallowing anything, especially pills. Which was interesting at first since I had to go on a higher dose of prilosec for my esophagitis. My throat would constantly be sore and swollen. I would have coughing fits randomly, a mild cough that wouldn't go away... I then found out there were certain foods that triggered these symptoms in a lot of sufferers. Anything acidic, fatty, spicy, carbonated was really a no go. And red meat also was a no go, but I could eat poultry.
So I tried this diet. As long as I followed it, my symptoms were eased. AND I lost the last few pounds of weight I needed to once I yet again changed my diet! Felt better than i had in a long time.
So now, its been a couple months that I stopped being as careful with my food. I've eaten a lot of red meat since we eat at my in-laws a lot, and Losees love them some red meat. I'm also not a big fan of poultry. And well, carbonation? Err that tends to be a problem since we have a soda fountain at work, and I sneak a Dr. Pepper once in a while when I'm at my inlaws. I've also increased my gluten intake. Strangely, I've been pretty good with the dairy intake however.
And honestly, I'm seeing myself deteriorate again as I eat more and more against my diet. I wonder if my missed period has to do with the sneaking gluten. And this christmas, the acid was hard to avoid, especially at my parents house. How do you not have canneloni with tomato sauce! Its a crime! I also ate dairy this Christmas Eve at Olive Garden. But I decided it was the least of the evils if I had to pick between dairy and acid. However it would seem Olive Garden puts a lot of pepper in their alfredo sauce, so I suffered from that. And honestly, I think that's part of why I've gotten so sick the past few days. The lack of sleep from being up with a teething son all night the past few nights hasn't helped either.
I can tell for certain eating the canneloni at my parents house affected me though, it made it impossible to swallow and my throat felt swollen. (And by the way, cold liquid formulas do NOT help that either since they all contain some sort of acid or menthol/mint or both. So I still can't swallow!)
I've decided however, I must have a casein intolerance to some degree too, because I've tried some things that don't have lactose but do have casein, and well, sadly, the reaction is the same. And frankly so much time chatting with John simply is not normal!
With that said, my new years resolution is to get back on track with my diet!
To begin with, let me explain why I am on a strict diet and WHAT it is.
For years, I'd been dealing with constant abdominal pain that I couldn't explain. It felt like cramps all month long. Especially my senior year of high school, we went to see a lot of doctors about it because I missed SO many classes due to it. How I graduated on time and with a 3 something GPA is beyond me, but I did.
Because I just described it as cramps all month, a lot of doctors thought it was Endometriosis. Others were on the right track and thought it was gastrointestinal. So in the end, I was put on birth control and acid reflux meds. It sort of helped, but not entirely. At least it was somewhat tolerable.
Well, I decided to go gluten free before I got the blood test results back. While it takes a while to get gluten out of your system, the results of not adding more to my system were immediate. I didn't have to take birth control just to make sure I had a cycle come regularly any more (as long as I didn't eat gluten especially close to when my period was due to arrive). It was nice. I had more energy than I had in the past year and a half prior. The blood test results came back however, and as per custom it would seem, everything looked amazing. No Celiac Disease. When I told the Nurse Practitioner my results however, she adamantly admitted it was gluten intolerance then and recommended I keep gluten out of my diet.
Well, I decided to go gluten free before I got the blood test results back. While it takes a while to get gluten out of your system, the results of not adding more to my system were immediate. I didn't have to take birth control just to make sure I had a cycle come regularly any more (as long as I didn't eat gluten especially close to when my period was due to arrive). It was nice. I had more energy than I had in the past year and a half prior. The blood test results came back however, and as per custom it would seem, everything looked amazing. No Celiac Disease. When I told the Nurse Practitioner my results however, she adamantly admitted it was gluten intolerance then and recommended I keep gluten out of my diet.
It was not until I miscarried a couple years later that my problems resurfaced. Though now, they came back with a vengeance. Again, it was time to go through the series of doctors. It seemed to never end. Blood test after blood test came back, and nothing seemed to be wrong on the surface. But it was quite obvious something was wrong, for one thing, I suffered many problems with my cycle as was mentioned in my previous post. For another thing, I was always down with some sort of sickness, my anxiety had gotten worse. I had also gained 40 lbs of weight unexplainably, which was absolute madness for someone who has always had to worry more about being underweight than being overweight.
Finally in October of 2010, a nurse practictioner I was seeing started doing some more of the 'obscure' tests, one of which was a blood test for Celiac Disease. Well, I had honestly never heard of it before, and so I did some research on it... I found out that it had to do with gluten... Well Naive me also had never heard of gluten before either. So I did research on that too. And then, I put two and two together...
It was ALWAYS after lunch I had to go home my senior year of high school. I never ate breakfast, so I didn't really have the problem of breakfast foods containing gluten. I did also discover my most recent additions to my problems, an irregular cycle and unexplained weight gain, could also be a factor of gluten.
Well, it would seem however that it was not the end of my gastrointestinal struggles. When I got pregnant with my son, I was suffering from severe hyperemesis and it wasn't just first trimester either. It was the whole pregnancy. While my doctor was appalled by how sick I was, he didn't attribute it to anything but just being pregnant. At least not at first. Not during my pregnancy. It wasn't until the very end of my pregnancy that things got a little worrisome. Despite the fact I had gestational diabetes, and didn't eat anything, everything looked good... until two days before my due date.
My blood pressure had for the past few weeks been elevated, but not so much that my doctor had thought it a cause of concern, especially given I already was having non-stress tests twice a week, and baby was doing very well. However, it spiked drastically two days before my due date, and THAT did cause my doctor concern. He had me do some extra blood work for pre-eclampsia and put me on partial bedrest... which very quickly became full bedrest because my blood pressure kept getting elevated...
Well the blood tests didn't show any immediate signs of PE but the next night, I went into the hospital because I simply could not get out of bed I was so lightheaded, my contractions had gotten worse again, and I was super nauseated. I had been CERTAIN they were going to send me home again, (they had already done so twice the past three weeks even though it was clear I was in early labor, just was taking my time progressing) but when they did blood work and monitored my blood pressure, they decided to keep me, since by that time it was already my due date.
I found out then that at my doctors office my liver enzymes had been slightly elevated, and then when they repeated that test at the hospital, they had become more so. Combine that with the 160/93 blood pressure I had come in with, and well, I was a mess. I had progressed on my own that night, however, I wasn't progressing fast enough for their liking, so at 3:30 am they started me on pitocin, (emergency induction they termed it.) 6.5 hours later, Jaden was born.
But that was only the beginning of my problems. I still had terrible nausea and couldn't eat very well. When I went in to my OB for my six week check up and asked if that was normal, he said nope, but I should see a primary care doctor, and gave me references. I didn't go right away to be honest. It took numb legs that I could barely stand on to get me in to see a PCP. When I went in for that, I mentioned my other problems... My anxiety coming back, nausea, so on so forth. Well he prescribed me anxiety meds and had me do yet more blood tests. Again, my liver enzymes were high. Significantly higher than they were in the hospital even. So he had me come back again in two weeks for another test. He also did a gallbladder scan after I lept off the bed in pain when he pressed on it. Nothing appeared on it of course. So then he referred me to a GI doc.
Well it was a couple weeks before I saw the doctor, but by that time I was getting so miserable. GI doc ended up chatting with me about my symptoms, did more tests, including liver (still high of course) and scheduling a colonoscopy and endoscopy. Other than liver being high, everything was normal. Well the day before I had to get my colonoscopy and endoscopy I got a call that they needed to schedule a catscan of my liver... So I had to do that the same day as my other tests.
I later found out the results of all my tests. Turns out I have reflux induced esophagitis which could also be brought on by allergies. And since nothing seemed out of the ordinary other than a slightly fatty liver, I got diagnosed with fatty liver disease. HOWEVER there was one more thing I found out... I've got at the very least, lactose intolerance. The doctor even made sure to tell me to watch my medicines because they could contain lactose. Once resolving that issue, I felt a lot better.
Wasn't perfect though, so one day out of the blue I decided to research more about esophagitis. Turns out that a lot of the symptoms I had during pregnancy and following it were consistent with what happens in esophagitis sufferers. I had a hard time swallowing anything, especially pills. Which was interesting at first since I had to go on a higher dose of prilosec for my esophagitis. My throat would constantly be sore and swollen. I would have coughing fits randomly, a mild cough that wouldn't go away... I then found out there were certain foods that triggered these symptoms in a lot of sufferers. Anything acidic, fatty, spicy, carbonated was really a no go. And red meat also was a no go, but I could eat poultry.
So I tried this diet. As long as I followed it, my symptoms were eased. AND I lost the last few pounds of weight I needed to once I yet again changed my diet! Felt better than i had in a long time.
So now, its been a couple months that I stopped being as careful with my food. I've eaten a lot of red meat since we eat at my in-laws a lot, and Losees love them some red meat. I'm also not a big fan of poultry. And well, carbonation? Err that tends to be a problem since we have a soda fountain at work, and I sneak a Dr. Pepper once in a while when I'm at my inlaws. I've also increased my gluten intake. Strangely, I've been pretty good with the dairy intake however.
And honestly, I'm seeing myself deteriorate again as I eat more and more against my diet. I wonder if my missed period has to do with the sneaking gluten. And this christmas, the acid was hard to avoid, especially at my parents house. How do you not have canneloni with tomato sauce! Its a crime! I also ate dairy this Christmas Eve at Olive Garden. But I decided it was the least of the evils if I had to pick between dairy and acid. However it would seem Olive Garden puts a lot of pepper in their alfredo sauce, so I suffered from that. And honestly, I think that's part of why I've gotten so sick the past few days. The lack of sleep from being up with a teething son all night the past few nights hasn't helped either.
I can tell for certain eating the canneloni at my parents house affected me though, it made it impossible to swallow and my throat felt swollen. (And by the way, cold liquid formulas do NOT help that either since they all contain some sort of acid or menthol/mint or both. So I still can't swallow!)
I've decided however, I must have a casein intolerance to some degree too, because I've tried some things that don't have lactose but do have casein, and well, sadly, the reaction is the same. And frankly so much time chatting with John simply is not normal!
With that said, my new years resolution is to get back on track with my diet!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
The Whole Broken Truth - A Look into My Son's Name and Then Some
My husband and I always had trouble coming up with boys names. And then, we found out Jaden was going to be a boy. So I looked up a bunch of boy names on my 'BabyBump Pro' app and saved the ones I liked. Turns out a lot of them ended with the 'aden' sound oddly enough. Finally, after looking at the list, my husband and I narrowed it down to two. Jaden and Aiden. After mulling it over with the middle name we picked out (My father in law's first name), I decided I liked Jaden better. We discussed it for a while, and eventually my husband agreed. For some reason though, we never thought to look at the name's meaning until after we settled on the name. My mother kept pushing for Aiden, but we said, no. We like Jaden better.
Then we found it was a Hebrew name meaning 'God has Answered.' Well that did it. That was definitely his name. No ifs, ands or buts. To be honest, I'm not sure how many people I've told that to. Or why there was no going back once we found out its meaning.
Then we found it was a Hebrew name meaning 'God has Answered.' Well that did it. That was definitely his name. No ifs, ands or buts. To be honest, I'm not sure how many people I've told that to. Or why there was no going back once we found out its meaning.
This is why. My husband and I were married on Valentine's Day of 2009. We had decided then we wanted to start a family right away. Well sure enough, it looked at first we were going to get our wish. In April, we got a positive pregnancy test. We arranged for a doctor's appointment. However the doctor only takes patients once they are ten weeks along, for whatever reason. By the time we got into the appointment, we had already miscarried, though we didn't know that yet. It was more of a consultation appointment. It wasn't until two weeks later when the doctor asked us to come in to hear the heartbeat that we found out. She couldn't find the heartbeat, and so she sent us up to radiology. Nothing was there...
One of the hardest things to hear is that you were pregnant, but lost it six weeks earlier. I showed no signs of miscarrying either. So what made the whole situation even worse was when my doctor called and said, 'I didn't even expect that!'
One of the hardest things to hear is that you were pregnant, but lost it six weeks earlier. I showed no signs of miscarrying either. So what made the whole situation even worse was when my doctor called and said, 'I didn't even expect that!'
Afterwards, I couldn't even rely on a regular cycle... Endless Doctor visits, endless blood tests, endless pregnancy tests, endless birth control cycles, you name it. All the while, I was constantly suffering from many early pregnancy symptoms. Doctors began to recommend infertility treatments, starting with Clomid. But after my sister-in-law getting pregnant with triplets, I flat out refused.
In September of 2012, just over 3.5 years of marriage/trying to get pregnant I found myself in an ER bed. I had thrown up five times in 48 hours, couldn't eat, drink, or even function. Repeatedly, I got asked if I could be pregnant. Well after 3.5 years of endless failed pregnancy tests, you lose hope that you are pregnant. So of course I said no. Over and over again. So there I lay, with an IV in my arm that was filling me with fluid in flat out denial.
Turns out, I was about 8.5 weeks pregnant. The ER doctor asked if we wanted an ultrasound, so of course my husband and I unanimously said yes. We even heard the heartbeat! One healthy little baby was growing in me.
During my entire pregnancy with Jaden, there were REPEATED instances that confirmed Jaden was the right name for him. I was severely sick my entire pregnancy, couldn't keep much down. At some points, I even lost weight instead of gained. Starting at 34 weeks, I had non-stress tests twice a week. My doctor claimed it was for the gestational diabetes, but I have a feeling there was more to it than that. At every non-stress test, Jaden was measuring well, had plenty of amniotic fluid, and was active. Sometimes they had to wake him, but overall he was good. I myself at every non-stress test had high blood pressure which was disconcerting to the nurses, and eventually led to what was termed an emergency induction (though I had started labor on my own). He was born perfectly healthy, minus some high jaundice levels.
Even his jaundice however he was a miracle boy. His doctor had expected him to be on the bilibed for about a week with how high his numbers were and how badly the jaundice was affecting him... but it turned out, we only needed it for a day and a half. His doctors couldn't explain that...
That is why we named Jaden a name that meant 'God has answered.'
The truth of the matter though is, our story doesn't end there. We suffer the same issues of infertility now that we did when trying for Jaden. I don't talk much about it, because honestly, I don't know how to express the feelings that come with it, and I'm afraid of being judged poorly. Not to mention, I live in a society where you are pressured to pop out kids at the drop of a hat. There are endless questions of 'When are you going to have another? You've been married five years and you only just had your first baby?'
I am only now coming to terms with my infertility to be honest. I've recently joined groups on facebook in regards to infertility, I'm reading more about it everywhere. But it all amounts to the same thing... I'm not 'normal'.
Turns out, I was about 8.5 weeks pregnant. The ER doctor asked if we wanted an ultrasound, so of course my husband and I unanimously said yes. We even heard the heartbeat! One healthy little baby was growing in me.
During my entire pregnancy with Jaden, there were REPEATED instances that confirmed Jaden was the right name for him. I was severely sick my entire pregnancy, couldn't keep much down. At some points, I even lost weight instead of gained. Starting at 34 weeks, I had non-stress tests twice a week. My doctor claimed it was for the gestational diabetes, but I have a feeling there was more to it than that. At every non-stress test, Jaden was measuring well, had plenty of amniotic fluid, and was active. Sometimes they had to wake him, but overall he was good. I myself at every non-stress test had high blood pressure which was disconcerting to the nurses, and eventually led to what was termed an emergency induction (though I had started labor on my own). He was born perfectly healthy, minus some high jaundice levels.
Even his jaundice however he was a miracle boy. His doctor had expected him to be on the bilibed for about a week with how high his numbers were and how badly the jaundice was affecting him... but it turned out, we only needed it for a day and a half. His doctors couldn't explain that...
That is why we named Jaden a name that meant 'God has answered.'
The truth of the matter though is, our story doesn't end there. We suffer the same issues of infertility now that we did when trying for Jaden. I don't talk much about it, because honestly, I don't know how to express the feelings that come with it, and I'm afraid of being judged poorly. Not to mention, I live in a society where you are pressured to pop out kids at the drop of a hat. There are endless questions of 'When are you going to have another? You've been married five years and you only just had your first baby?'
I am only now coming to terms with my infertility to be honest. I've recently joined groups on facebook in regards to infertility, I'm reading more about it everywhere. But it all amounts to the same thing... I'm not 'normal'.
Every day, I look around me. I see people pregnant who have gotten that way easy. There are other people who are pregnant and don't want to be. People complaining about how awful it is to get a period every month. There are people who are pregnant and in reality, after what I dealt with while pregnant, they have it easy. Frankly, I have to say, I'm jealous of them. They have it good.
I *JUST* got my 'Aunt Flo' after 15 weeks of no sign of getting her. And it had to be FORCED to come. During those fifteen weeks, I had 4 negative urine tests, two negative blood tests, and oh yeah, all my hormones or normal. Basically, I'm left with a body that works but at the same time doesn't. All I want for Christmas? Really, the thing I want most is a cycle I can count on. A body that works like it should. I want to be able to say without a doubt, 'My period isn't here yet, I must be pregnant.' And then when I pee on a stick have those two lines appear!
I *JUST* got my 'Aunt Flo' after 15 weeks of no sign of getting her. And it had to be FORCED to come. During those fifteen weeks, I had 4 negative urine tests, two negative blood tests, and oh yeah, all my hormones or normal. Basically, I'm left with a body that works but at the same time doesn't. All I want for Christmas? Really, the thing I want most is a cycle I can count on. A body that works like it should. I want to be able to say without a doubt, 'My period isn't here yet, I must be pregnant.' And then when I pee on a stick have those two lines appear!
I feel broken, alone, confused, hopeless, and so much more. This is my life every day. And yet somehow, I manage to put a smile on my face and answer those heartbreaking questions without crying and ripping heads.
Long story short though, if you get a period regularly, be grateful. If you can get pregnant and not have to go through hell and back to do so, be grateful. And try to be more understanding to those that don't have kids (or few kids). Sometimes they'll say, 'We're just not ready yet' but really they mean they are trying and CAN'T. Perhaps they are feeling down in the dumps.
Long story short though, if you get a period regularly, be grateful. If you can get pregnant and not have to go through hell and back to do so, be grateful. And try to be more understanding to those that don't have kids (or few kids). Sometimes they'll say, 'We're just not ready yet' but really they mean they are trying and CAN'T. Perhaps they are feeling down in the dumps.
Oh and if you know a friend is having trouble, and you are worried that inviting them to your baby shower, or similar will hurt them, please invite them anyway. They might say no, but it hurts more to not be invited.
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